… but we already knew that. Not matter when our first meeting with the dark night of the soul was… we all know we’re gonna die. Existentialism and I met at the foot of my parents bed… I was under a year old. The fear of my new incarnation and my choice of stewards brought on an anxiety attack. Yes that is right, an anxiety attack of fear before I could talk. ‘What the fuck did I get myself into’ would probably the words in today speak. That I thought my parents might have an answer could have contributed to said anxiety … what did I know? I was doing the best I could (and so were they.)

Fifty seven years later, more than half of which I’ve walked the fine line between a death desire coupled with the fear of life, its a wonder I have chosen life. This is nothing short of a miracle given my family history which includes an uncle’s suicide (kept secret for 40 years), my father’s threats of suicide at the dinner table, one brother’s attempt with pills and another trying to put a plastic bag over his head. And yet I am still here and so are they BTW. Thankfully instead of me being the enemy of myself, I only have had to battle the vagaries of life. Ha! Even with the demons at bay, depression, self loathing, and good ole self destructive behavior has, like a virus, morphed in numerous forms.

Am I OK…are we OK …what does OK look like? Who knows? Today, like every day, I need to get through the 24 hours without hurting myself or anyone else. Some days are prettier than others and that’s without a pandemic. After 911 panic/PTSD was the default mode. Cognitive behavioral therapy, before I knew what it was, taught me to think through and beyond the fear to a sober reference. Unbelievably my Dad helped by sharing his WW2 experience of surrendering to the possibility and powerlessness over his own demise. 99% of the time my fear is just that and I just gotta get out of my head. This is challenging today when the meetings and activities that help me keep my head on straight are scant. I have come a long way since that first panic attack … and in the immortal words of Alan Vega from the band Suicide while being booed off the stage opening for The Ramones ‘Why are you all booing? You’re all gonna die anyway!’ In the meantime have fun, stay safe and be kind as best as we can.

From ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’
Don’t worry I’m ok (sorry Icould not find the smiling version of this shot)